Growing up as growing out of the victim role

We all hear and read so much about spiritual laws, about the importance of letting go, of a non-judgemental attitude and of living peacefully with each other. And we try and succeed in many areas of our life.

But there is one area of life that seems to be the most difficult when it comes to letting go, peace and stop judging. And – strangely enough – it is an area that affects us most and that we can’t escape: our family.

Why is this so?  Could it be because we live closer to our family members than to other people? Well, if this was true, leaving our parents and starting a life on our own should have the effect of allowing our lives to be more peaceful and relaxed. Or moving to another place or country could help us in being able to easier let go of things.

In some cases this might be. However, I think that many of us made the experience (and I made this experience, too) that it is definitely not the case. If we do not tackle the roots of family issues, we carry them in our “life-backpacks” wherever we go.

What are these roots of our family issues? Why it is so difficult to speak out our truth, to stand up for ourselves, to reveal our strengths and weaknesses, to hand down to others our inner wealth instead of hiding ourselves, to find a peaceful and loving way to live with each other?

There might be many reasons, but today I want to focus on one which I consider most likely – and I am aware that it may at first sound provocative.

****We do not really grow up because we unconsciously hang on to a victim role

to prove to a supposed “perpetrator” that he/she had acted badly****


This adherence keeps us caught in our negative area of life. Letting go, finding peace and positive development would give us a subconscious feeling of releasing the “perpetrator” from his/her guilt and responsibility.

Mostly these “perpetrators” are our parents (but of course this is also valid for others such as siblings, (ex-)partners, teachers, superiors, etc.). And most of our issues are indicators for the areas of our life in which we still have remained a child and somehow still feel and act likewise.

We prefer to be the living proof of someone’s “wickedness” and “incompetence” and unconsciously remain bound to them in a negative way. This attitude is like a stumbling block for our growth and thus also for healing processes.

As a consequence sometimes, despite of medical and psychotherapeutic support there are no real improvements in some people’s lives – because improvement would mean letting go and releasing the “perpetrator”.

This is the point where the Family Constellation work comes in.

During a constellation we work with the support of representatives, means we don’t participate with our conscious mind, our judgements, our blaming, our “buts” and “whys”. We simply watch what happens and perceive ourselves in a mirror that gently and lovingly shows us step by step a possible path to a healing solution.

And at some time during the constellation we step in ourselves and experience a new reality without victims and perpetrators.

This allows us to let go of the past and consciously take our life into our own hands accepting our own responsibilities and leaving the responsibilities of others with them.

And then finally we really start growing up.

Wishing you all a joyful growing up.

Kindest regards